I don't think I can do this!

It was a dark, moonless, windy, and my turn to drive. After a good few turns on the wheel the previous days, and a few 14K surfs I had mixed feelings about this turn. The wind was up, and the seas were steep with the boat falling into inky black holes. John had just finished his turn and I had been studying his technique in great detail. As the clock ticked up to my time, my confidence suddenly started to backtrack. Jeff had come up to be my trimmer and coach, everyone else was below preparing dinner or pretending to sleep. I told Jeff I had doubts but this but he reassured me I could do it. I knew if I didn't drive I would forever regret it, but shit, it was freaky scary! Jeff again reassured me, so I moved around behind the wheel and clipped in. Jeff stood to my right and was vocalizing his technique while he continued to drive. During a soft spot I grabbed the wheel. Jeff let go and I was now driving. Go too high, you risk rounding up, too low you crash gybe, the sweet spot was between 140 and 160 apparent. Our "chicken" chute, and single reefed main balanced the boat nicely...until a set of 8' swells at 8 seconds steamed by, accelerating us beyond anything I've experienced. The Transpac had this wind but the fetch was much longer and regular. These seas were mean and disorganized and just waiting for you to make a mistake.
After five minutes, and 40 wave sets (remember you get a new wave every 6-8 seconds) my confidence was slowly building. I was doing it! Ultimate concentration was paramount, and while I had not had a good sleep in several days, the adrenalin more than compensated. So far so good. Jeff couldn't see my legs shaking, but so far so good. The first set of really mean seas came through lifting Sauvage and throwing her down the trough. "Don't get too high" he said calmly at first...followed by "DON'T GO TOO LOW" he said with a sense of urgency! We survived that set sloppy but in tack, my confidence slowly built. I freaking doing it I thought. Jeff never stopped talking me through every nasty set. Sauvage was now screaming down huge sets, 12, 13, 14 kts...her reassuring hum was now a shreaking high pitch. While this was intense but manageable in daylight, at night, the only visuals were glowing, foaming steamers marching past and my apparent wind indicator.
Then it happened. The wind quickly built to 30+ knots, which was ok, but shortly there after I heard what sounded like a freight train bearing down on us. We accelerated even faster then dropped off the wave and fell into a deep hold. When this happens the apparent wind clocked back, rotating the boat above the death zone of 160 degrees. There is no reaction time fast enough to respond, you have to anticipate this, and I didn't, or couldn't. In the blink of an eye were were rounding up. The wheel was turned all the way down but it was too late. Jeff grabbed the wheel, but only physics could save us now as our world turned sideways. Andy let the vang go and I dove for the spin sheet. Sauvage now on her beam, spinnaker flogging madly, water poured in the cockpit. Time stood still. Slowly she started to right as another set of huge waved slammed our now stalled hull. Then the chute snapped full again like a gun shot. The boat tried to round down but Jeff now at the helm keep the right rudder angle and she magically straightened up and shot off like jet on carrier! After the crew below expressed their extreme displeasure, and we accepted responsibility, Jeff said come back here, your not done with your watch! My worse fears had just been realized, but I couldn't quit now. Nothing broke, and we were still racing! We agreed to do 15 minute turns on the wheel, and traded off for the next hour and a half. My arms were burning with pain but that was a minor problem, the ego was seriously damaged. Knees shaking still, I got behind the wheel and gave it another go. It was not the last crash of the night, but finally after what seemed like a week at the wheel it was time for Andy to try his luck. It was only 8pm and main event was still to come.
-Gadget